This video: Why poly people hide, what it look like when we hide.

By end of video: know why we shouldn’t hide and how to handle people who push you to hide
What it looks like when we hide?

I was on the way into a party with a sexy friend and she stop and ask me, “can I kiss you at this party?” This was her checking in because so many poly relationships have so many rules and egos to navigate. I told her, “I will never hide out relationship. Yes, you can kiss me. You are not a secret.”

If you are poly, you are poly. It doesn’t matter if you have multiple partners, 1 partner, or no partners. If you are poly and single, don’t start dating someone who’s not poly. It’s only going to end in tears.

They are going to ask you to be monogamous and hide your poly side in front of their friends and family. Why? So all those people can be comfortable. They are implying your poly-ness is “bad” or “wrong.” Anyone who asks you to hide your poly side or your poly relationships is also exercising control over you. Don’t go there.

Healthy relationships are not about telling the other person to hide or change. Don’t date monogamous people. Don’t try to change monogamous people and don’t let monogamous people impose their shame onto you.

If some monogamous persons starts hanging around with you with the intention of dating you, you have a responsibility to them and to yourself, to tell them you are poly and you will never date anyone exclusively. If they agree to date you anyways, they also need to agree that you will never hide.

don’t let people try to bend you or pin you down in a mono relationship, especially for THEIR COMFORT. they are either mono or poly.

As soon as you stop hiding, you will find people can nolonger use your poly status against you. They can’t shame you about it because it’s not a secret.

Don’t keep friends you have to hide from. As soon as you let them go, you will have a lot more time for better friends, real friends. Friends who accept and love you for who you are. The sooner you find these friends, the sooner you will have a life-long support system of people who genuinely love you without shame or B.S. conditions. The less you hide the happier your life will become.

The less our community hides, the less pressure our community will get to hide. The day I stopped hiding was the day people could no longer shame or judge me into compliance. Your love is beautiful. Don’t hide it.

So how do you do that?

Start with these simple phrase

I’m dating but I’m not exclusive. OR We’re dating but we’re not exclusive.

Then NEVER STOP STAYING THAT!

Also, did you know, healthy boundaries means you don’t have to automatically answer other people’s questions? When someone ask you a question about poly or sex, or whatever, you can simply say “I’m not talking about that with you” if they persist, just say “I’m not talking about that with you and I don’t have to give a reason. If you’re going to push the issue, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” OR if you want to you can say: “What makes you think that was an appropriate question to ask?”

If you find yourself interacting with a bully, leave or call out their bully tactics. Don’t call them a “bully”, call out the bully tactics they are attempting to manipulate you with. Like shame, guilt, judgement, exaggeration, or minimization

It sounds like you are shaming/guilting/judging me. That is a bully tactic. I’m calling it out. I will not be bullied. Keep your manipulation and your opinions to yourself.

While we’re here, talking over you, cutting you off, attacking everything you say, or acting like they are a victim are all bully tactics. Feel free to call people out for any of those too.

For the most part, “we’re dating and we’re not exclusive.” Should be more than enough for most people.

Sometimes a title or a label will be used in an attempt to get you to deny your poly-ness. If anyone ever tries to give you a title like boyfriend or girlfriend, don’t agree to it unless you specifically tell them you will be saying “this is my boyfriend/girlfriend and we’re not exclusive.”