I read a random post in a poly group that really inspired me to start typing. The author of the post mentioned how so many people are posting about breakups and heart aches. They sighted how monogamy wasn’t really that hard for them and poly seemed pretty difficult and still people found themselves alone or lonely. Ultimately the poster jokingly asked if any of us thought about just taking a break from poly. With that, I found myself typing a 3 hour reply that I ultimately decided to turn into this blog post. This is why I love and choose poly even when times are difficult…

I will never go back to monogamy. Here’s why.

Poly threw me into the deep end with learning how to face all my self-worth issues; learning how to speak and hold boundaries; and learning all the codependent patterns that I was perpetuating in myself and seeking out again and again in the partners I was attracted to. Multiple partners is a huge catalyst that helps me discover patterns in myself that I need to be addressed. For that, I love poly.

Poly pushed me into learning how to really checkin with myself about my own feelings and needs, then how to communicate my own feelings and needs as well as how to receive everyone else’s feelings and needs. And how to do it all with grace and love. Multiple partners is a huge catalyst that shows me how different people I’m intimate with communicate with me and how different lovers receive my communications. For that, I love poly.

Poly taught me the difference between patterns that perpetuate conflicts vs how every “conflict” is really just an opportunity to have a new conversation that will result in understanding and honoring each other at a deeper level. Again, multiple partners, leads to a lot of practice and growth. For that, I love poly.

Poly threw me into jealousy and jealousy forced me to learn how to stop and listen to this emotion and realize all the things I was missing, had to heal, and had to communicate about me. I no longer view jealousy as “bad”. Rather, I view jealousy as an emotion that is trying to clue me into something much like pain, hunger, and fatigue are trying to alert us to something. Jealousy has become my canary in the coal mine; a little buddy that I’m so thankful for because a chirp of jealousy let’s me know I’ve got something I’m not being honest with myself about and probably not asking for. Jealousy also taught me to listen carefully for the response and actions of the person I’m communicating my needs to because sometimes jealousy is alerting me to someone disregarding my needs as a pattern of neglect. It may be an accidental pattern or an intentional pattern, but it’s a pattern. Sometimes the chirp of jealousy is not about me discovering and communicating my needs at all. Sometimes jealousy is about acknowledging to myself that this person is not the right match for me and I should let them be them and not attempt to change them to fit my expectations. Instead, I can simply accept and love them for who they are. I can accept our differences, where their journey is taking them, and where they are on that journey. Then I can talk to them about it and start taking steps to transition our relationship back to a friendship or to no future interaction at all. Not needing to make my only relationship last and being able to let people be who they are is another reason I love poly.

Poly taught me the difference between my toxic partners and my dream partners. My dream partners are people who are human, make mistakes, have the best of intentions, are self-aware, emotionally mature, take responsibility for their actions, and have earned my patience, love, grace, trust, and understanding regardless of what might go wrong or the situation we find ourselves in. Toxic partners, for me, are people who are human, make mistakes, are not self-aware or emotionally mature, are primarily concerned with themselves, look to blame others, dodge responsibility, can’t/won’t talk through conflicts, focus on who’s right and who’s wrong in conflict, look to punish those they deem “wrong”, don’t care who they hurt, take revenge (aka hurt people on purpose), and will intentionally use my patience, love, grace, trust, and understanding to get what they want while making their current tantrum someone else’s fault. This was a radical discovery for me and my life because it involved really facing my own people pleasing patterns that had me volunteering to bend for people who were literally just using me. I was volunteering for a life of sacrifice and compromise just to stay in a relationship with someone because I loved them. Yet, no amount of sacrifice was ever going to be enough.

Poly taught me relationships do not need to be built on sacrifice and compromise. Relationships can be built on effectively communicating everyone’s wants & needs, then working together to ensure everyone’s wants & needs are met. That is the opposite of compromise. Compromise involves one or more people sacrificing the idea of getting their wants & needs fully met so we can all embrace getting some percentage of our wants & needs met instead. I now know, once everyone’s needs are voiced and understood, we can look for a third option that allows everyone to get exactly what they want & need. I also recognize that effectively communicating my wants & needs as well as clearly receive other people’s requests to get their wants & needs met will be a skill that will take a lifetime of intentional practice. Thankfully, poly will give me plenty of opportunities to practice.

Poly taught me I’m allowed to have it all and I don’t need you to be my everything and I don’t need to be your everything. The most obvious place to see this is in the bedroom. No two connections are the same. The lover I’m soft and gentle with may not be the lover I get rowdy with. I clearly have a need for gentle and a separate need for rough. I get to enjoy exploring these needs with people who love to do the same thing. There is never a reason to turn to the rowdy lover and beg them to be gentle every now and then because they are my only lover. Instead, we get to enjoy exactly what our connection does best and we each get to go seek out other wonderful people who overlap with our specific needs in the bedroom and in every other facet of our lives. There are so many examples of this. I never have to ask my partner who doesn’t love snowboarding to go snowboarding. I never have to ask my partner who doesn’t like dancing to go dancing. There is always someone who is an enthusiastic “yes,” while everyone else is an enthusiastic “go play with them and have fun!”. Now substitute snowboarding vs dancing with paddles vs feathers or wrestling vs cuddling or privacy vs exhibitionism. How about someone to collaborate on a future vs someone to spontaneous go on a road trip with. I can have it all because all my connections want me to have it all and the right partner will surface for the right thing to connect on.

Poly allowed me to process through jealousy and experience compersion; and I’ll never go back. Poly taught me that there is more love out there than I ever thought possible and that I’m allowed to receive all of that love. Poly taught me I don’t have to sacrifice or compromise a connection with a specific person in order to receive a connection from another specific person and if anyone is asking me to do this, then they are not for me. Love is not a limited resource. Love pours out of my from an infinite supply and each of the lovely people in my life pour love on me from their infinite supply. I see poly as an abundance mindset when it comes to love and when I live it, I am engulfed in a flood of love from others and I am also a never ending fountain of love for others. As such, seeing two other people experiencing each other allows me to swell with joy and excitement for all the unique things their connection will bring them. I want them each to have it all; all of life and all the love. This is how if feels when I experience compersion for others. At the same time, having partners flood me with joy, excitement, reassurance, and encouragement for my connection with someone else is absolutely mind blowing. Being on the receiving end of compersion is one of the best things I’ve ever felt. Giving and receiving compersion is a big reason why I will never go back to monogamy.

Most of all, poly surrounded me with community and role models who demonstrated all the things I didn’t know I needed to learn. People who pointed me in the right direction; to the right books; or to keywords to search on. People who stood by me while I took my lumps and learned my lessons the hard way; and there were a lot of lessons.